![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
it crawls beneath my skin berating me for trial and error
blasphemous anomaly, blood traitor
the shield is tarnished and neglected
it's crest weathered to dust
the book of generations past hold nothing but empty pages
fairytales and limericks long forgotten and dropped from rotation
there are no heirlooms here
and everything of value has been stolen and hocked off to the highest bidder
by those with quick tongues, shifty eyes and filth stained hands
proceeded by brilliant smiles, dumbfounding any caught in their gleam
battered, deceived, used and thrown away
torn asunder and left with thin false liquid lines
denied and cursed by every offering of self
scarred and amnesia-tic
wondering down road unpaved
empty handed, and headed, head raised high and eyes unblinking
peering into a chaotic wasteland with mud streaked and needled littered golden brick roads
guided solely by the collection of armory fashioned from trinkets
odds and ends, potions and elixers concocted by novice hands
yet careful enough to sustain life for at least this long.
- Mood:
aggravated
i've forgiven... but unfortunately i can never forget... i suppose i'll just have to be content with numbing it out... just another thing from childhood to drop into that discard pile... the emotions still kick in every once in a while.. but as the years go by and my life progresses it lessens... hopefully one day it'll disappear completely... the wound was made, festered, was treated, and healed... but clearly there will always be a scar... writing it off as just another story of the past.
- Mood:
hopeful
11:pm. She brought something to my attention that our souls had known from day one... the reasoning behind why each thought of her makes my stomach turn triples and my heart attempt in earnest to escape my chest cavity to find it's home, Her.
The aches and clawing at my chest only strengthens through the night, my everything calls for you... every cell in my skin screaming for you as i lay quietly clutching a pillow that couldn't even begin to mimic you. Ive had this void for as long as i can recall, this awkward shaped missing mass of myself... ive gathered and placed, sometimes forcing and reforming to try and find a fit... but none ever filled all the holes... then there was Her, the one who i feel in the wind... and speak of to the moon while i bide my time away from Her, a lost invalid bare footed and perched on a window sill drifting away in the night sky to feel only Her...
- Mood:
content
- Mood:
indifferent
Just what do you do when youre with someone who has never been sexually satisfied and is convinced that they can never be? Especially when your own experience is less than probably the average sexually active young adult... I just dont know what to do and it really kills my motivation to hear her say that... But hell wtf can i do its the truth that ive yet to change appearantly. Ugh shoot me now.... Ill figure it out. I have to blah.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
baby, i dont see the bruised and emotionally neglected person that the world made you into. I see my beautiful, sweet, love that wants only to be happy and make me happy. The one that wants OUR life to begin. The one that says, isleep2dreamher ! And she means me! Baby, i m blessed to have you... -sigh-
i adore her... its an under exaggeration but the word love looked so overused and dead in that sentence.
- Mood:
worried
Proudly sponsored by your local gsa hook up network... Utterly jk but anyhow.... Recall that stint of social dysfunction that pretty much confined me to these four walls, recall the previous attempts at getting to know others and their complete and utter failures from ten minutes after start til the crash and burn endings... Recall the awkwardness that never faded at least for self... Recall the times you repeated ill adjust an make this work, itll all be fine in the end.... Now revel in the fact that all that bullshit is over now. On complete accident and sheer dumb luck ive stumbled upon someone who treats me as a person, lover, friend, respected individual should be... And even the everyday bullshit isnt so major anymore, as foreign as it feels to smile and feel moved emotionally in any way its fucking great... I feel again and not only like i used to but at least ten times greater... TBC
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
Seriously what is the point, showone thing an do the next. Im not trying to fuck up your little easter egg of a life fuck im even willing to cap off my feelings but you wont even give me that chance. Do you not trust yourself around me, arent you over the proverbial it? Why the hell should it matter? This snippy defensive pop top attitufe really has me reeling but the fairness of that shit just doesnt matter eh? Psh dunno whats going on in that mind of yours but youre showing me that you want me excluded so why not just say it and put me back into my own misery. I wouldnt expect much more.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
Out of all the things i was never taught assured of or guided in i think the one that gets me most is that i was never told its alright to be afraid but you cannot let it limit you never instilled with confidence of assurance i learned to fAke it but we see that only gets you so far ill alwqys yearn for that support system but have to accept that ill never get it from the source that i seek it from... Its just me... Some how i have to find the courage and strength to just fight it out on my own. The hard part is teaching myself not to look back.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
Late bloomer... Thats how i originally saw it, but as i get older and seek myself deeper i learn more and more about why everything i so off. I was fucked from conception honestly. At least 18 years of feelings supressed and that will stay that way because honestly where are they going to go? This crude childish fucking dick sizing competition just never ends, maybe im just the oddball ho because its never been my intention to be better that the person next to me so i could gloat on some proverbial high horse... I have pride in myself that i dont need to validate with the interactions of anyone else. I knew shit was bad, i know she has the humanity and intellectual point of a two year old cave dweller, but the degrees of the shit still just shocks me... Maybe its my fault for attempting to be a civil person when obviously no one else is fucking possible of doing so. Smh its so tragic that im surrounded by dumb fucking beasts.... If it gets much better than this i swear i quit, i really cant take any more of this bullshit. My mind has deteriorated to a fraction of its self, my emtions are steadily fucked, they say be thankful for your heqlth but im sure that will fail me soon as well. Maybe thats the point of it all, for it to just end. Who knows, i grow weary of it all though.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
